Bands that are ‘Metal as Fuck’

So I’m listening to Revocation right now and I was like “Holy shit this is fucking metal.”  (Made ever more apparent by the fact that I’ve been listening almost exclusively to folk music for the past three weeks.)  If anything is ‘Metal as Fuck’ THIS is.  Then I was like, “What other bands are ‘Metal as Fuck’?” This could be an interesting point of discussion, one that may or may not be related to the origin of species.  A subject that requires great insight and delicate analysis into the realm of ‘Metality’, and thus, I scrub my iPod.

Being the nerd that I am; Here are a bunch of other bands I think are ‘Metal as Fuck’.

Lamb of God – Lamb of God are fucking Metal, like holy shit. I don’t care what anyone says, I just can’t help but make this face every time I listen to them.  It’s retarded how Metal they are.  If Metal was a kingdom, they would be the rulers and pillagers.  They would rape all in their path. Randy’s growl alone could take down an army.  An army of tanks made of bullets and steaks.  Steel steaks.  Metal. As. Fuck.

Slayer – I have to include Slayer because they’re apparently the undisputed ‘Most Metal band ever’ according to most people.  I don’t even really listen to them at all, and couldn’t name hardly any of their songs, but Reign in Blood is fucking awesome.  I listened to it the other day.  Seriously, it’s undeniable.  Slayer, I salute you in all your ‘Metal-as-Fuck’-ness.

Meshuggah – Easily one of my favourite bands, they melt my brain. Crazy rhythms abound, and unrelenting, demonic-sounding vocals, with super heavy riffing. The music just pulsates and never stops, and just when you can’t take it any more, the grooves get even heavier, deeper, and more unrelenting.  They’re like a Metal Sauna.  Jens Kidman says it best.

Pantera – Holy fuck, Dimebag Darrell is fucking awesome. Just listen to ‘Mouth For War‘ and tell me that song is not fucking awesome. Seriously, what can you say?  The man could play guitar better than most dudes can jerk themselves off. No homo. Fuck!

Behemoth – They’re so metal that Leukemia couldn’t even kill them!  The Metality cannot be stopped with this band.  Just one of the most epic, demonic, brutal bands ever.  And they don’t give a shit about your religions or your laws surrounding them.  They will burn the bible in front of you and you will learn to love it… Mainly because they won’t ever stop… Sort of like hell… In an Atheistic sort of way… Yeah.

Strapping Young Lad – Fuckin’ Canadian Metal eh!  National allegiances aside, Strapping ruled the roost for a significant period of time.  Devin was all like, “I’m gonna try my hardest to be as heavy as fuck all the fucking time and make you think I’m fucking crazy.”  Then he stopped smoking weed and everything got very mellow… Unless you listened to Deconstruction, like holy shit.  Plus Gene Hoglan played drums, enough said.

Arch Enemy – This band has a female singer that is more metal than 99% of dudes screaming their balls off on the entire planet.  Angela’s more metal than the tinman!  She’ll eat your soul I swear. She might be smokin’ hot, but stay away from that one, she was sent straight from hell just to scare the crap out of us and eat us alive.  Meh, I’d still hit it.

Cannibal Corpse – Cannibal Corpse are seriously fucking metal. Are you gonna tell me they’re not? Cause you’d be so wrong.  There is nothing in the world that would be more wrong.  Maybe like… Babies raping dogs… or vice-versa, but Cannibal Corpse probably have a song about that.  Remember that part in Ace Ventura when Ace goes through that Metal show to find that researcher dude? New England Clam Chowder. White.

Amon Amarth – They’re fucking vikings.

Dethklok – Their fans will risk their livese to see them live.  The band does not care if the fans live or die at their performances.  They are the seventh largest global economy.  There are dead, rotting employees clogging their drainage pipes in their Lair. They have henchmen.

Honourable mentions: Emperor, Entombed, The Faceless, The Red Chord, Revocation(duh!)

I’m sure there are other ‘Metal as Fuck’ bands out there that I am so obviously omitting, but I care not.  I either do not like those bands, consider them not to be 100% ‘Metal as Fuck’ , haven’t discovered them yet, or I’m too fucking lazy and don’t give a shit.  So fuck off.

Thanks for reading.  Let the haterade begin.

Wankity Wank Wank

Devin Townsend posted some wank-fests on the D’Addario website to… uh… promote strings? Yeah.  Anyways Devin’s good.

Unleashed

the Devin Townsend Project – Coast

Here’s the first and latest video from Devin Townsend and his new found creativity.  Devin is releasing a 4 album set of new material in 2009, each one supposedely starkly different from one another.  I’m really looking forward to these as he’s one of my favourite artists at the moment.  Here’s the first cut “Coast” off his first installment “Ki”. Enjoy!

Album Review – the Devin Townsend Project “Ki”

Much to my surprise, I was able to get my grubby little hands on Devin Townsend’s latest offering Ki a week early. I was debating even putting it on out of a notion that listening to an album leak early is basically like blowing your wad prematurely while fucking, but I digress. Submitting to my carnal urges can be quite healthy when done properly, and sometimes quick masturbation is adequate enough, although I’m usually one to hold and build before releasing all of that pent up energy, but again I digress. I’m currently on my 4th consecutive listen.

I knew going into this that the album would be a departure from anything Devin has done in the past. I was anticipating something along the lines of 2001’s Terria, mixed with a little Hummer/Devlab and some additional flavour styles mixed in, and that’s basically what this album is. He’s got a new line-up with him, with the exception of long-time Keyboardist Dave Young. The band is decidedly older than Devin himself, and it seems he was seeking individuals with significant musical maturity, players that could harness the delicate balance of sounds and perform significant dynamic shifts masterfully. This album accomplishes that feat. The record on a whole is largely experimental, and seems very relaxed, but we’re not talking about one of Devin’s ambient offerings here. This album has a distinct Progressive Rock and Metal feel to it at times, the songs ebb and flow, going from almost Pink Floydian passages to technical, progressive sections (albeit usually with clean guitar tones). I’m detecting a hint of Mark Knopfler influence as well, and Devin may have even have spun a few Elvis Presley records in his downtime over the last 6 months. Who knows?

I’m continuing to enjoy the album, with every listen I discover new, seemingly hidding sounds. It creates a very plush soundscape, and lyrically seems to describe a very serene, naturalistic environment, and experiences that quiet the mind and allow it to enter into healing, contemplative thought processes. I really enjoy the presence of the female vocalist on some tracks, Ché Dorval, whom has left a significant impression on the record. Her voice is very fitting and soothing and complements Devin’s tone nicely. It’s definitely a freely experimental album, with Devin not having to answer to any major label representative like so many artists do. He is free to do as he wishes with his music, and this is only the first part of a 4 part concept that he is developing, all to be released in 2009. I’ve ordered my copy of Ki on HevyDevy’s eBay store and I urge any fan to do the same and own a great piece of music, even for the casual listener, those not necessarily interested in Metal can enjoy this record. There are significant blues influences, and delicate ambient sections to enjoy. Very calming, a beautiful record.

4/5 stars

J