So I’m listening to Revocation right now and I was like “Holy shit this is fucking metal.” (Made ever more apparent by the fact that I’ve been listening almost exclusively to folk music for the past three weeks.) If anything is ‘Metal as Fuck’ THIS is. Then I was like, “What other bands are ‘Metal as Fuck’?” This could be an interesting point of discussion, one that may or may not be related to the origin of species. A subject that requires great insight and delicate analysis into the realm of ‘Metality’, and thus, I scrub my iPod.
Being the nerd that I am; Here are a bunch of other bands I think are ‘Metal as Fuck’.
Lamb of God – Lamb of God are fucking Metal, like holy shit. I don’t care what anyone says, I just can’t help but make this face every time I listen to them. It’s retarded how Metal they are. If Metal was a kingdom, they would be the rulers and pillagers. They would rape all in their path. Randy’s growl alone could take down an army. An army of tanks made of bullets and steaks. Steel steaks. Metal. As. Fuck.
Slayer – I have to include Slayer because they’re apparently the undisputed ‘Most Metal band ever’ according to most people. I don’t even really listen to them at all, and couldn’t name hardly any of their songs, but Reign in Blood is fucking awesome. I listened to it the other day. Seriously, it’s undeniable. Slayer, I salute you in all your ‘Metal-as-Fuck’-ness.
Meshuggah – Easily one of my favourite bands, they melt my brain. Crazy rhythms abound, and unrelenting, demonic-sounding vocals, with super heavy riffing. The music just pulsates and never stops, and just when you can’t take it any more, the grooves get even heavier, deeper, and more unrelenting. They’re like a Metal Sauna. Jens Kidman says it best.
Pantera – Holy fuck, Dimebag Darrell is fucking awesome. Just listen to ‘Mouth For War‘ and tell me that song is not fucking awesome. Seriously, what can you say? The man could play guitar better than most dudes can jerk themselves off. No homo. Fuck!
Behemoth – They’re so metal that Leukemia couldn’t even kill them! The Metality cannot be stopped with this band. Just one of the most epic, demonic, brutal bands ever. And they don’t give a shit about your religions or your laws surrounding them. They will burn the bible in front of you and you will learn to love it… Mainly because they won’t ever stop… Sort of like hell… In an Atheistic sort of way… Yeah.
Strapping Young Lad – Fuckin’ Canadian Metal eh! National allegiances aside, Strapping ruled the roost for a significant period of time. Devin was all like, “I’m gonna try my hardest to be as heavy as fuck all the fucking time and make you think I’m fucking crazy.” Then he stopped smoking weed and everything got very mellow… Unless you listened to Deconstruction, like holy shit. Plus Gene Hoglan played drums, enough said.
Arch Enemy – This band has a female singer that is more metal than 99% of dudes screaming their balls off on the entire planet. Angela’s more metal than the tinman! She’ll eat your soul I swear. She might be smokin’ hot, but stay away from that one, she was sent straight from hell just to scare the crap out of us and eat us alive. Meh, I’d still hit it.
Cannibal Corpse – Cannibal Corpse are seriously fucking metal. Are you gonna tell me they’re not? Cause you’d be so wrong. There is nothing in the world that would be more wrong. Maybe like… Babies raping dogs… or vice-versa, but Cannibal Corpse probably have a song about that. Remember that part in Ace Ventura when Ace goes through that Metal show to find that researcher dude? New England Clam Chowder. White.
Amon Amarth – They’re fucking vikings.
Dethklok – Their fans will risk their livese to see them live. The band does not care if the fans live or die at their performances. They are the seventh largest global economy. There are dead, rotting employees clogging their drainage pipes in their Lair. They have henchmen.
I’m sure there are other ‘Metal as Fuck’ bands out there that I am so obviously omitting, but I care not. I either do not like those bands, consider them not to be 100% ‘Metal as Fuck’ , haven’t discovered them yet, or I’m too fucking lazy and don’t give a shit. So fuck off.
Thanks for reading. Let the haterade begin.